Five times Abby held back and the one time she didn't have to
by ask4more
Summary: Abby's never been good with dissecting her own feelings, so it takes her a while to process what's going on with her.


**Five times Abby held back and the one time she didn't have to**

PAIRING: Abby/Susan

TIMELINE: Set somewhere between season 10 and 11

DISCLAIMERS: ER is the intellectual property of Constant C Productions, Amblin Entertainment, and Warner Brothers Television.

No copyright infringement is intended.

 **1)**

If she had to pick a moment to imprint on her mind forever, Abby would choose the minutes when they lay tangled together, still trying to catch their breathing. In those instants of perfect silence, when the cold air makes her shiver a little and she lets her hands wander lazily over the body draped around her, Abby is content.

It's more than that: it's a burst of optimism and the dizziness one gets when getting drunk on really good liquor.

It makes her feel and want to say _things_.

She's not a cuddler at all - when you become responsible for your brother and yourself at only twelve years old, it's hard not to be a pragmatist – and she knows it's the endorphins wearing off, but still, Abby indulges herself and sinks into the softness of the curves beneath her.

She realizes she's dozed off when Susan wakes her by running her fingers gently through her hair. "Mmm… let me feed you… I can hear your stomach growling", she punctuates with a kiss on the pulse point beneath her ear.

In spite of all the snarkiness at work, Susan is a very generous lover. She gives herself over and over, trying not to think too much about what's happening between them, taking as much as Abby is willing to give. She doesn't dare to hope for more because these things never last with her.

She watches silently as Abby untangles herself from her and scurries out of bed "I should go… I have AA at seven".

Abby knows she's leaving Susan stunned and maybe even a little hurt, but it's not like they're seeing each other or something. Luckily, Susan doesn't make any remark and she's glad their relationship is so free of drama.

In the El, lulled by the stumble of the rails, Abby can't help berating herself. What is she doing? She should know by now that sleeping with co-workers _and_ friends never ends well.

 _Look at what happened with Luka and Carter._

Albeit the difference in anatomy, sleeping with Susan is not going to be different.

Abby realizes she's not used to have female friends, so that must be it – she's just blurring the boundaries of their friendship. And Susan's just too nice to push her away.

She's straight.

(Well, except during her freshman year in college and every single time she's alone with Susan).

* * *

 **2)**

A few weeks later, Susan finds her hiding out in the on call room "Are you pulling an all nighter?".

Abby looks up from _Surgical Recalls_ and nods "Yeah, busy day in the OR tomorrow".

She lets her eyes wander down Susan's figure and blurts out "You look great... Hot date?".

The blonde smiles bashfully "My friend Colleen is trying to set me up with this guy from Mercy…".

"Oh, good for you…". Abby forces herself to smile but she knows she's not very convincing.

"I didn't tell you because I wasn't sure if I was going… but I just felt like going out, you know? I haven't gone on a date in _ages_ ", Susan says it with this apologetic smile that Abby just can't handle. She interrupts her "Have fun".

When she leaves, Abby can't focus on the anatomy of the neck anymore and ponders about Susan's words.

 _Of_ _course_ she wants to go out, to be wined and dined – it's not like she's getting that from Abby. All they do order in and have sex.

She smooths out the page of the book and focuses.

 _Digastric muscle_

 _Mylohyoid muscle_

 _Hyoglossus muscle…_

She closes her eyes when flashes of languid kisses assault her mind, snippets of the times when they manage to come almost simultaneously. It becomes too much – there's that wave of affection washing over her _again_ and Abby lets her head drop onto her crossed arms.

 _Shit_.

* * *

The next day, Abby slips into the lounge with a salad she got from the cafeteria and _of course_ , Susan's there, laughing along with Corday and Weaver (who thought these two would ever be civil again?).

Elizabeth is standing with her back against the wall, her arms crossed and a crooked smile "I have five minutes. Spill it".

Susan notices Abby and becomes tongue tied "It was okay… he was _fine_ ".

Weaver looks up from her magazine "Just _fine_? How _enthusiastic_ of you".

Both redheads chuckle and Susan looks at them almost indignantly "It was a _nice_ dinner and, for once, the guy wasn't weird. I'm not complaining".

The british smiles gently "Are you seeing him again?".

From the other side of the lounge, Abby watches on as Susan wrinkles her nose "I don't know… There wasn't much spark".

"Maybe you should date a woman", Weaver deadpans and Abby realizes how tense she is when the plastic fork snaps in her hand.

Susan raises her brow at her boss "Are you hitting on me, Kerry?" and the redhead rolls her eyes at her "You're lucky I'm taken".

The three of them dissolve into laughter and Abby zones out.

She _hates_ the idea of Susan having someone in her life, because she knows it'll mean the end of their off the clock escapades. But she can't blame her for looking, Susan deserves the real deal.

She's still staring at her depressing salad when Corday touches her shoulder "Abby, are you ready to go?".

While prepping for the surgery, Abby scrubs at her hands furiously, hands that have a whole new purpose now.

When images of Susan writhing under her fingers cloud her mind, Abby scrubs even harder trying to wash away her sins and especially her longings.

* * *

 **3)**

Abby breaks the silence and says she's going to make them a cup of coffee. Susan watches as Abby retreats, looking tiny in the oversized t shirt she sleeps in. She was getting ready for bed when the blonde showed up at her door.

She hears steps behind her and at first, all she feels is Susan's breath fanning her neck when she leans to whisper in her ear "I'm gonna miss you…". The blonde's lips travel all the way down her collarbone and linger on Abby's neck because Susan knows how much it affects Abby.

 _Damn_ , it affects _her_ too.

Nibbling at her earlobe, she slips her fingers under the hem of Abby's shirt, slowly spanning her ribs until her fingertips reach the underside of her breasts. She stops – Abby thinks she hears her gasp - when she realizes she's not wearing a bra.

Her nipples are already hard when Susan cups her breasts and rolls them against the palm of her hands over and over.

Abby reaches out to brace herself against the counter and moans very softly "I'm gonna miss you too…". Susan doesn't hear her because she's still busy laying kisses on her neck and Abby is afraid she'll leave marks that she won't be able to cover with her scrubs, so she turns around in her arms and lets her fingers slid into blonde locks, her lips claiming Susan's mouth feverishly. She melts into the kiss, curling her arms around her back and pressing her chest into Susan's, never breaking the contact between them.

Susan came over to talk and they decided, by mutual agreement, that they would stop _this_. Things are already getting weird and they don't want to hate each other. Abby says she's sorry but she can't give her more than this. Plus, she's straight.

The way Abby's kissing and touching her is the _opposite_ of straight, Susan thinks. But she won't pressure Abby to give them a shot because she knows her and she knows how she worries about what _everyone_ thinks. In that, they're complete opposites, because post-Arizona Susan doesn't give a damn about what people think about her. She thinks they could be good together but she accepts that it's not worth the fight: they're just not on the same page on this.

She can't think properly now because Abby's pressing her thigh into her groin and all her reserve is going south along with all her blood flow. She feels herself tingle in anticipation but fights against it when she realizes they will _never_ do this again.

The thought of it almost breaks her heart and kills her buzz so Susan reaches again under Abby's shirt, cups her butt, pulls down her panties haphazardly and sinks down to her knees.

When she notices the temporary loss of contact, Abby looks down a little dumbfounded, just in time to see Susan's face disappear between her legs. She parts her with her tongue and proceeds to lick her slowly with the flat of her tongue until she reaches her clitoris, traps it between her lips to suck it. Abby's vision gets blurry and she grabs Susan's hair for balance. Pressed so tightly against her, Susan can only purr her appreciation at the bold move, the vibrations sending a jolt of want down Abby's loins.

"Oh, fuck…", she almost cries when the blonde adds fingers, knowing exactly which buttons to push to send the brunette to a no return journey. Abby is so wet that she adds another finger, pushing hard because she wants her to _feel_ her in the next couple of days, to remember them like this.

Before her orgasm erupts, Abby thinks about Susan, about how she should be touching her and pleasing her too. But it's too late now: behind them, the coffee pot whistles, Abby grunts and almost blurts out three words that would only make things even more complicated.

* * *

 **4)**

Susan's scribbling down her signature on the charts that Jerry is handing her as fast as she can. Abby appears from nowhere and slips another one to the top of the pile.

She shrugs apologetically "Sorry".

Jerry coughs to regain her attention "Uh, Dr. Lewis. Your date called again. He wants you to reschedule the restaurant…".

The blonde looks up incredulously " _Again_? That guy is getting on my nerves already…".

The desk clerk smiles in sympathy "He left a few suggestions on ovo-lacto-vegan restaurants…".

"Why doesn't _he_ book the damn table, then?!", Susan huffs in frustration, shaking her head.

Jerry hands her the list and goes back to his computer. Susan keeps on signing charts, with her brow furrowed, already regretting going out with such a fussy eater.

Abby watches her with a smirk, leans closer until their arms touch and whispers out loud "So, are you converting to ovo-vegan-whatever?".

The blonde chuckles "Oh, shut up! I called him earlier to tell him I felt like steak and beer and he gave me a ten-minute lecture on cattle slaughtering and meat processing".

The brunette tries not to laugh and smiles in sympathy "Where do you even _find_ these guys?".

"Yoga", Susan shrugs her shoulders before rushing to the door to attend to the incoming trauma.

Abby takes a mental note to check Susan's schedule for next week.

She knows a place on Wacker Drive that serves the best steak she's ever had. They could wash it down with beer (the root kind for Abby, obviously) and if they were lucky with the weather, they could take a stroll by the river afterwards…

Haleh wakes her from her daydreaming, she's needed in trauma 1.

The no-nonsense nurse eyes her suspiciously "Are you okay, honey? You look a little off".

* * *

 **5)**

They spend the day bickering.

Susan is frustrated because no-one takes her seriously and she spends her day double checking intern's orders. Abby hates having people looking over her shoulder, she's just an intern too but she has been there longer than most, Susan should cut her some slack.

When Abby goes AWOL in the middle of her shift, Susan calls her and leaves her a message to get her ass back at the hospital. They get swamped in traumas for the rest of her shift and it's only when she clocks out that she realizes that Abby never showed up. It's unlike her to do this, but Susan is just too tired to show up at her doorstep and risk a huge falling out.

She'll deal with this tomorrow.

Later at home, sipping at a glass of merlot, Susan stares at her phone before making the call. She hangs up before the answering machine picks it up.

The following day, when she comes in, Luka comes find her and lowers his voice "Have you talked to Abby?".

Susan shakes her head "She's not in yet and not a word from her either. I called her twice. Frankly, I expected more professionalism on her part".

The tall doctor looks confused "You don't know?".

"Don't know what, Luka?", she looks up mildly annoyed.

He pulls her to a quieter corner and lowers his voice "Abby was abducted yesterday".

* * *

"I'm so sorry", is all Susan can whisper. She feels the tears in her eyes, she can't believe how close she was to losing her _forever_. Susan has spent some nights wondering about what happened between them, _why_ it happened, questioning herself about why Abby never wanted _more_.

But she's glad to have her as a friend.

It _will_ be enough - she'll work on it, Susan vows to herself.

Abby doesn't move, keeps her arms tightly around her, her forehead resting on her shoulder. Susan thinks of things to say but opts for silence. She strokes Abby's back softly and feels the other woman shifting, they are so close that it's impossible not to _feel_. She buries her nose on her hair and inhales, before guilt overcomes her. She's not supposed to have these thoughts right _now_.

Susan doesn't know long they stay curled up in Abby's couch. She can't help noticing how comfortable and peaceful it is. When Chuck snuggles with her, she just gets hot and claustrophobic.

He's a good man, why can't she love him like he wants?

 _What is wrong with me?_

Abby has issues talking about her feelings, showing her wounds, since _forever_. She _can't_ speak up and tell Susan how much she needed _this_. She can't tell her how, when she was being driving around in the black SVU thinking that they were going to kill her and dump her somewhere, she reminisced about her life and she realized she was full of regrets. Like not giving them a chance.

Susan is now studying her face "I should go, it's getting late…".

"You could stay…", she blurts out, regretting her words immediately when Susan seems to wince at them.

Susan stiffens at the suggestion because she doesn't trust herself "I don't think it's a good idea…".

Her eyes avert to the kitchen, bringing memories back of that afternoon when she loved Abby for the last time.

* * *

 **\+ 1**

Everyone tells her that she should take one day at a time. It's just a cliche, an old saying people repeat, but it works. Abby delves in her residency, keeps going to her AA meetings regularly. She even starts dating one of the new ortho residents.

And a year goes by, just like that.

She notices that Susan doesn't laugh as much as she used to and how _she_ misses that sound.

Abby has kept her distance, realizing that it was unfair to demand Susan's time when she couldn't offer much in return.

Susan has ended things with Chuck, she overheard her talking to Chen one day and she misses how close they used to be.

Now, when they bump into each other, they are cordial and self-conscious.

Luckily, in the trauma room, their partnership is still unblemished. Abby is a fast learner and Susan realizes she's never told her how much she enjoys working with her. Work is a safe subject.

As she snaps out her bloody gloves, she nods at the smaller woman "You did good".

Abby smiles at the compliment and shrugs her shoulders "Well, you walked me through it…".

The blonde smiles shyly and excuses herself.

Abby watches her walk away.

Again.

* * *

She breaks up with the guy she's seeing and is amazed with her self-restraint: it actually takes her five whole days to pick up the phone and call Susan at 11pm on a Friday night. As she waits for her to answer, Abby panics a little.

When Susan does pick up, she manages to speak in an even voice "Hi. It's Abby…".

There's a silence on the other side of the line and then Susan says "I'll be right over".

* * *

Susan's smile flourishes again, people compliment her on it. The ER runs smoothly and Susan is proud of herself and her staff. She feels so confident that she applies for the recently vacated tenure spot.

She starts thinking of ways of getting grands, spends a ridiculous amount of her free time looking at cost/efficiency spreadsheets.

* * *

She's presenting her application the next day and is a wreck. Abby waltzes in barefoot and wearing _her_ favorite Cubs shirt. She places a mug of hot coffee onto the desk and rests an arm around Susan's shoulders "You should take a break". Susan leans back on her chair and crosses her arms on her chest "The more I look this, the more I _hate_ it".

The brunette sits on her lap and curls her arms around her neck "They are going to _love_ you", kisses her cheek for good measure.

"Thank you for putting up with me… I'll make it up to you, I promise", Susan smiles before kissing her slowly, appreciating the scarcely clad woman in her arms.

Abby smiles into the kiss when she feels Susan's hand travel up her thigh until it disappears under her shirt. She kisses Susan's chin, dots kisses along her jawline until she reaches her ear to whisper "Break's over. Go back to work. And my shift starts in half an hour…".

Susan groans in frustration when she breaks the contact and goes get dressed "You are a _horrible_ human being…".

Abby turns back to look at her and smiles confidently "But you love me…".

The blonde rolls her eyes and tries to ignore the warmth on her chest, forcing herself to return her focus back to her dull spreadsheets.

* * *

That night when she gets home, Susan is sitting on the couch, looking dejected. Abby hangs her coat and purse and goes sit next to her. She tries to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and grazes her cheek with the tips of her fingers "Hey… I'm sorry you didn't get tenure…".

Susan gives her a sad smile and sighs "I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up… I feel like such a failure". She tears up and Abby feels her heart shrinking in her chest, she hates to see Susan like this.

"You're not a failure: you're a brilliant doctor and a beautiful, beautiful person…", she takes her hand and tugs gently "Look at us. We're not a failure! I'm so lucky that you love me back… Come on, _I'm_ the surly one!".

Wiping at her tears, Susan chuckles at her words. She's disappointed but she knows it won't kill her.

With Abby looking at her like that, it's impossible to feel incomplete for too long.

So she pulls her in for a tight hug, the one she's been yearning for all day.


End file.
